Persistance

I have not been on blogger since 2010 and had forgotten about it entirely. Reading through these posts made me cry. For our miscarriages and the kids I will not have. For my dog, who I miss every single day (we put her down in November 2011). For my husband and my marriage, that took a turn neither of us anticipated. For my Mom, who still has not recovered her health following treatment for breast cancer. For my father who passed away in January. This year there is grief. There is sadness. There are also many new beginnings. Stan has found the courage to be more like the kind of person he has always wanted to be. There is a thriving vegetable garden in our back yard--a physical manifestation of the joy he has found. My sister Tammy has found a path in life, she has laid claim to a dream, and is working to make it come true. She is facing her fears and finding ways to make her life happen, despite many unknowns. My other sister Korina, and I, have managed to form a tentatively peaceful communication. My nephew Alex is in college and seems to be finding his footing as an adult. Kim and I have been friends for 20 years, but since I left Moses Lake in 1998 we only talked a few times a year. Until the last 2 years, though 2 states apart we have again become inseparable. Somehow we found again that Best-Friends-Forever ground that we knew when we were 13--she has become an anchor for me in so many ways and I am grateful for her every day. And last but not least, I found PHYSICS!

I have been known to be an indecisive person... I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel ready to get to the bottom of all that. Reading those posts it is hard to believe that was only 2 years ago. I was reading a post from March, 2010 in which I talk about what kind of person I want to be. I recently told someone who inspires me, about the kind of person I want to be. The two lists were so similar, I was surprised and a little sad. That in two years I am still striving for the same thing. Am I any closer?

If you had asked me what 2012 would be like, there is nothing I could have said that would be anything like the reality. That should not be surprising to me, yet it is. I am always surprised by how different life ends up being than the plans I have made for it. I'd like to think I am closer to being the kind of person I want to be. But maybe that's one of those things that doesn't have a final concrete destination. I've thought before that our lives are more like a spiral than a linear journey, we do make progress, but we still cycle through the same issues, over and over again. As we change, we experience our memories in new ways, we learn from them in new ways.

I spent my early/mid 20's convincing myself that I wasn't scared of anything. That made me a hard and angry person. Then I spent my later 20's and early 30's realizing just the opposite is true, I am scared of everything. That has made me an insecure and ungraceful person. But there are a few things I have also learned about myself in the last couple years. I am persistant. I do not give up, not on myself, and not on others. I am not a quitter. Which is funny because I have identified myself as exactly that, as a quitter. I don't stick to things, I choose one path only to cut it short with a new path. I was so hard on myself for that. Then I realized--that isn't quitting! It takes great courage to realize that a choice needs tweaking, that a chosen path is not quite right. I have had several conversations lately with people who have reminded me of a few things...

~ It is never too late. It is not too late to be a different person than the one you are. It is never too late to change your career. It is never to late be in love, even if you have never been there before. It is never to late to open up, to let go, to be happy. It is never too late know yourself.

~ I am a persistant person. It has taken me 10 years and 7 different colleges to finally find what I want. That makes me a strong and admirable student. It is hard to accept when things don't go as expected but a person of grit takes that information, makes the necessary adjustments, and continues on.

~ I have the right to expect as much from life as I want. My daily life and my relationships are only as satisfying as the love and effort I put into them. Everything I do is my choice. I have control over nothing else and no one else. I have a lot to offer the people who are in my life.

So, am I any closer to being that person I said I wanted to be 2 years ago? I don't know. But the list I made a week ago was informed by so much more than my list of 2 years ago. And that says something.